Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
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“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.