Lmaoo 😂
You Might Also Like
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Finally!
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.