CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
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tell em, edith-anne
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.