I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
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My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth