[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
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The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
who wore it better?
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids