[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
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me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.