[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
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Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Match dot com, but for socks.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.