[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
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Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
bad
worse
worst
worchester
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!