@kumailn: Schools should teach mandatory classes on when a phone conversation is done.
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@WeekendTwitr: Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
@Phoebetate: To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
@truegritrumble: ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT! SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN. ME: *defensive* They are our children.
@wittwitbarista: I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like "do you know how fast you were going?"Or "is that a raccoon smoking a joint?"