[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
You Might Also Like
gentlemen, hear me out
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Running from your problems is cardio .
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.