I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
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Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach