date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
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Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…