I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
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i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
For those that worship cheese..
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*