@Cpin42: Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
@jeannerbeaner: "No more self-deprecating tweets," I whisper fatly.
@nealbrennan: I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
@nvd197: My morning exercise routine includes snooze presses. I like to get in at least 5 reps.
@PaulyPeligroso: People are all like "STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT" and then they shut down and people are all like "COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT"
@upsidedowntrash: [Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It's called Blouses For Mouses™
CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever