@Cpin42: Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
@DanielRCarrillo: Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
@InternetHippo: “When someone is mad at you, that’s THEIR problem” and other advice from my upcoming book, ‘Where Did All My Friends Go’
@ShutUpThatsWho: [God making water]
"it helps plants"
"u die if u don't drink it"
"& drown if u drink it wrong"
@MrRamBillings: Never buy the first round cause that's when people care what they're drinking!
@semple42: There's this woman in my office who is wearing the same outfit as yesterday and she reeks of tequi......ok it's me.