@Cpin42: Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
@jctwritesstuff: I don't discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
@orny_xo: This guy thinks I'm taking down his number, but I'm really just writing this tweet.
@carlyken: Okay kids don't ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger's houses except on the day we worship the devil.
@LorieGZ: Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?'
Kristen: 'Mom you eat it all the time and I haven't seen ANY improvement.'
@Quartzjixler: Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name--screw you. I'm calling you what I've been calling you for the last 10 years.