Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
You Might Also Like
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
ok like just. call me at this point
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.