SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
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If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
this will hang in the louvre one day
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go