Schrödinger’s cookie
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H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.