Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
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if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
The cashier just checked me out.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.