Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
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Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.