Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
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Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
sliding into dms like
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.