[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
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Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Aight bet
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)