science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
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Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I am a gravy boat captain
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.