Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
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Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Your secret is safeish with me
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time