Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
You Might Also Like
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I’d … I’d rather not.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!