[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
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My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
yes, those are my real potatoes.
This could’ve been an email.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up