All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
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Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Are we there yet?…
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.