Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
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You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.