Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
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Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.