Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
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the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Did…did a minotaur write this
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.