[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
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I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Do not levitate over flowers
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh