[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
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I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.