credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
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If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Hmmmmm
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
i now pronounce you bounced.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I have questions??
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.