Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
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Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??