SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
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Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
birds and squirrels envy us
The game has officially changed 😎
I really had high hopes for this year though
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.