Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
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Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Seems legit
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
At least he brought enough for everyone
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
🖤✌🏽
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions