Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
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my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.