Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
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Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.