[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
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Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Every work meeting this week
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery