[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
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Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day