[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
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Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Spring of Deception
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar