Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
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Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Truth
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.