If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
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“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
They must have gotten it to go.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen