[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
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British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.