SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
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Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?