SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
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[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us