scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
You Might Also Like
Growing out my freckles.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know