scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
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It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.