Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
You Might Also Like
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
good work, everybody
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this