My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
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I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
yes… yes…
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison