leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
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i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
*puts my mental health in rice
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?