SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
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if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
live, laugh, laundry.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.